|
A Western mother's response 1 In the days since the newspaper published the column by the Chinese mother I have thought of what I would say to her if I met her. I might point out as others have that Asian-American girls aged 15 to 24 have above average rates of suicide and eating disorders. I might question the arrogance of ascribing her child's success to the Chinese child-rearing techniques of criticism and name-calling when it could just as likely have resulted from genetic or economic blessings. But I have a feeling that she knows that. 2 More importantly if I did make such contentions I'd risk being called a liar by my own children. Sophie my oldest would remind me of the recent evening when I stared in stony silence at her report card sniffing in contempt at her father's happy congratulations. 3 "What?" she said. "I got 5 solid As." 4 I shrugged. 5 "Come on" my husband complained. 6 My daughter narrowed her eyes at me. She knew what was coming. 7 I pointed at the remaining three grades sociology biochemistry and intermediate aesthetics none a solid A. I certainly didn't think it warranted the "screaming hairtearing explosion" that the author informs us would have greeted the daughter of a Chinese mother. However I articulated my displeasure clearly enough. The word "garbage" was not uttered. But it was only because I feared my husband's reproach that I refrained from telling my own daughter when she collapsed in tears that she was acting like an idiot. 8 The difference I suppose between proud Chinese mothers and Western ones is that I felt ashamed that I didn't subordinate my anger to my pride in what she did accomplish. Admittedly (and I am ashamed to say this too) I also did not then go out and get hundreds of practice tests and work through them with my daughter far into the night doing whatever it took to get her the A. I would leave those tasks for a tutor to administer. 9 I am actually grateful to the author and for the insights she gave me. Reading her essay definitely put some Chinese iron into my Western spine and though I eventually apologized to my daughter for failing to acknowledge right off the bat all those tough classes last semester in which she had done phenomenally well and for expressing my disappointment at the others too vigorously I have also vowed that she will clamp down on those three subjects in which she is "underperforming". Her father and I are unanimous in this. 10 But Chinese methods I think do still need some scrutiny. My daughter Rosie is mildly dyslexic a learning difficulty that means she automatically reads words backward. By the time the psychiatrist diagnosed her in second grade she was lagging far behind her classmates. For years I forced her to spell words in the bathtub with foam letters to do worksheets to subdivide words into sounds and take practice tests. My criticism and forced rehearsing was redundant it turns out inside she was all ready to punish herself and I was only prolonging her misery and shattering her confidence. Eventually and totally out of character she even stopped loving school. She lost her sparkle. She started to suffer from constant stomachaches and broke down in tears almost every day. At last we heard about a reading program where students spent four hours every day in a small room under a supervisor with a specialization in dyslexia drilling in letters and sight words. It sounded awful but Rosie insisted on it. She loved books and stories. She wanted to read. 11 Every day when we picked her up her face would be red with tears her eyes hollow and exhausted. Every day we asked her if she wanted to quit. Neither her father nor I wanted to make a unilateral decision when she was the one who suffered so we asked her. But every day she returned to the trenches her little shoulders bent under the weight of her struggle. Rosie has a process she follows when she's scared "Overcome your fears" she whispers to herself. I don't know where she learned it. Maybe from one of those television shows I shouldn't let her watch. 12 At the end of a grim and brutal month Rosie learned to read. Not because we sat like watchdogs and forced her to drill and practice and repeat not because we dragged her kicking and screaming or denied her food or kept her from using the bathroom but because she forced herself. Because of this she emerged with a conception of herself as a powerful versatile person. 13 I have a feeling when Chinese children are underdeveloped or suffer from learning disabilities like Rosie's their parents channel their admirable passion into finding a solution that works. They are just as dogged and determined but in an entirely different way. In some scenarios roaring like a tiger turns children into pianists who debut at Carnegie Hall but in others it only limits constricts and reins them in. Positive enthusiasm gives some the excuse to fail and others the chance to succeed. Wherever we reside on our big green blue planet Chinese mothers and I both understand that our job as mothers is to be the type of tigress that each of our different children needs. 一位西方母亲的回应 报纸上刊登出一位中国母亲的专栏之后的几天中，我曾经想过，要是能碰到她，我会对她说些什么。我也许会像其他人一样指出，15岁至24岁的亚裔美国女孩自杀和饮食失调的比例高于平均值。我也许会质疑她把自己孩子的成功归结于中国式批评和谩骂的养育技巧，这种想法实在傲慢，孩子的成功可能只是源于良好的遗传基因或经济条件。不过，我觉得这点她是知道的。 更重要的是，如果我确实持此观点，就得冒着被自己孩子说成骗子的风险。索菲，我的长女，会提醒我就在不久前的一个晚上，我盯着她的成绩单一言不发，毫无表情，并对她父亲高兴的祝贺嗤之以鼻。 “怎么了？”她说。“我可是得了5个A啊。” 我耸耸肩。 “别这样，”我丈夫抱怨道。 女儿眯起眼睛看我，她知道接下来会发生什么。 我指着余下的三门课的成绩，社会学、生物化学和中级美学，没有一个是A。我当然不认为对此应该“尖叫和恼怒地爆发”，就像作者说的中国妈妈对待女儿的那样。不过，我也足够清晰地表达了自己的不满，只是没说“垃圾”这个词。她痛哭失声，我忍住了没说她像个白痴，但那也只是因为我担心丈夫的责备而已。 自负的中国母亲与西方母亲之间的差异，我觉得，在于我很羞愧自己并未对女儿取得的成绩感到自豪，而是任由自己的怒气发泄。诚然（对此我也很惭愧），我之后也并没有去找数百套的测验题，然后与女儿一起做题到深夜，千方百计让她拿到A。我会把那些工作留给家教来做。 其实，我很感谢作者，感谢她让我增长了见识。读她的文章确实让我这西方的头脑融入了一些中国元素，尽管我最终向女儿道了歉，因为我没有一开始就认可上学期她在那些很难的课程上所取得的异常优秀的成绩，并对其他课程表示了过于强烈的失望，但我也立誓要帮她攻克成绩不够好的三门课。 对此她父亲和我看法是一致的。 但中国的方法，我认为，确实仍然需要推敲。我女儿罗西有轻度阅读障碍，她会不由自主地逆读，这是她读二年级时精神科医生诊断出来的，那时她已经远远落后于她的同学。多年来，我强迫她在浴缸里用泡沫塑料字母拼写单词，做活页练习，把单词细分为读音，做各种练习测试。我批评她以及强迫她不断练习是多余的，原来——在她内心，她早已准备好惩罚自己，我只不过是在延长她的痛苦，粉碎她的信心。最后，她甚至不再爱上学了，这与她的性格全不相符。她失去了活力，开始不断地肚子难受，几乎每天都会流泪痛哭。后来，我们听说有一个阅读课程，学生在专攻阅读困难的专家的引导下，每天在小房间里花四个小时进行字母和常见单词练习。这听起来很可怕，但罗西执意要去。她喜欢书籍和小说，她想要阅读。 每天我们去接她时，她的脸总是红红的，满是泪水，两眼无神，疲惫不堪。我们每天都问她，要不要退出。无论是她父亲还是我都不想单方面替她作出决定，因为她才是遭受痛苦的人，所以我们问她的意见。而每天，她都回到课程训练现场，挣扎于重压之下，她的小肩膀都弯了。每当害怕的时候，罗西有一套自己的办法——她会对自己轻声说“要战胜恐惧”。我不知道她是从哪里学来的，也许是某个我不该让她看的电视节目。 在一个月严厉苛刻的学习结束时，罗西掌握了阅读。这不是因为我们像看守似地盯着她，强迫她练习、实践和重复，也不是因为我们拽着她又踢又叫，或者不给她饭吃，不让她上厕所，而是因为她自己逼着自己学。正因为如此，她开始意识到自己是一个意志坚强、多才多艺的人。 我觉得中国孩子如果发育存在问题或者像罗西这样有学习障碍时，他们的父母会投入令人钦佩的热情去寻找可行的解决方案。他们同样是不屈不挠，无比坚定，只不过用的是完全不同的方式。某些情形下，咆哮如虎能让孩子成为在卡内基音乐厅首演的钢琴家，但其他情况下这只会限制、压迫、束缚他们。热切的关注会成为一些孩子失败的原因，也会给其他孩子成功的机会。这碧绿而又蔚蓝的广袤星球上，无论我们居于何处，中国母亲和我都明白，我们作为母亲的职责是成为每个孩子各自所需要的母老虎类型。 |
