英国人为什么爱说“对不起”？

BBC琳达·格迪斯（Linda Geddes）(2016年3月28日)

在英国，“对不起”（sorry）可能是最常使用的词汇：无论是对天气感到抱歉还是对撞到自己的人，普通英国人时不时就会冒出一句对不起。

最近一次对一千多名英国人的调查表明，普通人平均每天要说约八次“对不起”，而其中有八分之一的人一天会道歉高达 20 次。

亨利·希钦斯（Henry Hitchings）在题为《对不起！英国人及其礼仪》（Sorry!: The English and their Manners）的文章中写道：“英国人随时都会为自己并没有做错的事情道歉，而他们对自己真正做错的事情却不愿道歉，这可真是不同寻常。”

普通英国人每天大约要说八次“对不起”。

但英国人真的比其他国家的人更频繁地感到抱歉吗？如果是这样，使用这种奇怪的口头禅原因何在呢？这种习惯有多不好呢？

研究不同国家的人使用抱歉字眼的频率，想得到可靠的数据可比您的想象难得多。对抱歉和原谅行为有深入研究的美国匹兹堡大学心理学家卡琳娜·舒曼（Karina Schumann）表示，“虽然大家都认为，加拿大人和英国人说抱歉的次数要比美国人多，但研究却难以提供令人信服的证据。”

有一种研究方法是，询问人们在某种理论情况下的做法。例如，在最近一次 YouGov 的调查中，有超过 1,600 名英国人和 1,000 名美国人参加。调查结果显示，在有人打喷嚏，或是纠正对方的错误、抑或有人撞到自己时，表示抱歉的英国人和美国人的比例为 15 比 10。

但调查也发现，受访者中英国人和美国人具有相同点：两个国家对打断别人说话说对不起的人都不到四分之三。84% 的英国人为开会迟到表示抱歉，而美国人的这一数字则为 74%。

说一套，做一套

不过，在理论情况下询问某人的做法与他们在实际生活中的表现却大相径庭。以上面的例子为例，在最近一次 YouGov 的调查中，36% 的英国受访者表示，他们会为别人的笨拙行为感到抱歉，而美国人的这一比例为 24%。

社会人类学者凯特·福克斯（Kate Fox）在《瞧瞧这些英国人》（Watching the English）一书中描述了自己在英国各地故意撞到他人时的体验。她还鼓励同事们在国外做同样的研究，以便作为比较。

似乎只有日本人对英国人说道歉的话没什么反应，甚至他们也有类似的做法。——凯特·福克斯

福克斯发现，在被撞到的英国人中，约有 80% 会说“对不起”，即使撞人显然是她的过错也不例外。道歉的话往往是嘟哝出来，也许说的时候根本就没有意识到，但与其他国家游客碰撞时的情况相比，差别还是很明显的。福克斯写道：“似乎只有日本人对英国人说道歉的话没什么反应，甚至他们也有类似的做法。”

“对不起（sorry）”这个词的起源可追溯到古英语“sarig”，它的意思是“忧虑的、伤心的或充满了悲伤”，但大多数英国人用这个词的时候自然会更为随意。这就涉及另一个问题的研究——语言中所反映的文化差异。南俄勒冈大学语言学专家、《我对此抱歉》（“Sorry About That”）一书的作者埃德温·巴蒂斯特拉（Edwin Battistella）认为：“我们使用‘对不起’这个词的方式各不相同”。公开道歉的语言英国人说对不起的时候多，但这并不意味着他们懊悔的时候多。

巴蒂斯特拉表示：“我们可以用对不起表达同理心，比如，我可以说‘下雨真让人抱歉’，英国人和加拿大人说的‘对不起’更多可能是这种意思，而不是他们本身要道歉。其他研究人员也谈到不同社会阶层之间使用‘对不起’的意味，这实际上是对自己所拥有特权的一种道歉。”

英国社会崇尚社会成员为他人留出私人空间，不要吸引他人注意自己，以示尊重，这种特点被语言学家称为“负面礼貌策略”或者“负面面子策略”。但美国是崇尚一个正面礼貌策略的国家，其特点是友好而渴望融入群体中。

英国人说对不起的时候多，但这并不意味着他们懊悔的时候多。——埃德温·巴蒂斯特拉

因此，英国人有时说“对不起”可能对局外人显得不合时宜，对美国人而言就是这样。英国人想要向自己不认识的人了解什么情况或者在其旁边落座时，会说“对不起”，这是因为，如果不说“对不起”，就会构成对对方的私人空间的侵犯。

福克斯表示：“我们有些滥用这个词，有时候不合时宜，有时候还会误导人，让事情变得很不好理解，外国人也难以适应我们的方式。”她还补充道：“我认为总是把‘对不起’挂在嘴上也不是什么坏事。在负面礼貌策略背景下，这在情理之中。要说有一个词能让全国人都肆意使用的话，‘对不起’可不是最糟的选择。”

说“对不起”也许还有其他好处，比如培养信任感。有趣的是，事实上，人们并非对自己做错的事情感到抱歉，而是对情况超出自己的控制感到抱歉。

哈佛商学院的艾莉森·伍德布鲁克斯（Alison Wood Brooks）在和同事进行的一项研究中，请一名男性在下雨天的一个美国火车站分别接近 65 名陌生人，并向他们借用手机。一半情况下，这名男性在请求前会先向陌生人表示：“下雨真让人抱歉”。在他这样做的情况下，有 47% 的陌生人借给他手机，而在他开门见山借电话的情况下，只有 9% 的人借给他手机。进一步的试验证实，对天气感到抱歉的确有用，它可不仅是个礼貌的开场白。

你要为下雨天感到抱歉，还是要为被人撞到而表示抱歉？

伍德布鲁克斯认为：“对别人说‘下雨真让人抱歉’，这句似乎多余的抱歉话，表达了对下雨这种不幸情况的承认，这是从遭遇此情者的角度出发，表达对负面情况的同理心，尽管这种情况超出了人的控制。”

当然，英国人并非唯一喜欢道歉的族群。女性也往往爱道歉。

为了检验这种成见是否经得起考验，舒曼招募了一群大学生做为期 12 天的生活记录。他们列出自己遇到的各种值得道歉的情况，并注明自己是否真的得到了道歉。她发现，女性的确比男性更爱说“对不起”，但在她们认为需要道歉却没有道歉的情况下，她们也会更生气，无论她们是要接受道歉的一方还是冒犯人的一方，情况都是如此。事实证明，这种情况下，男性和女性都同样愿意为自己的冒犯行为道歉。舒曼表示：“并非男性不愿道歉，只是他们认为值得道歉的事情要更少”。

道歉是示弱的表现吗？

在我们认识到自己的确需要向某人道歉的情况下，情况又是怎样的呢？怎样做更好呢？是收敛傲气，向对方说对不起呢，还是像美国传奇影星约翰·韦恩（John Wayne）说的那样——道歉是示弱的表现呢？

伍德布鲁克斯认为：“人们担心，道歉会被当作承认自己对过错负有责任，而不是仅仅向受委屈的一方表达同理心”。但她补充道：“有效的道歉能化解对方的感受，而不是要证明什么。好的道歉结果不太可能适得其反，比起不道歉要更能增强彼此的信任。”

伍德布鲁克斯针对怎样道歉提出以下建议：“正确的道歉方式就是小时候母亲教给您的方式。比如，您冲着兄弟姊妹扔了石头。母亲会让您去兄弟姊妹面前，看着他们的眼睛说：‘对不起，我向你扔石头了，下次我不会这么做了’。”伍德布鲁克斯说：“您必须说明自己做错了，某种程度上表现出后悔，并表示下不为例”。

至于您到底要道歉多少次，不同地方情况也就各不相同。伍德布鲁克斯和哈佛博士生格兰特·唐纳利（Grant Donnelly）收集到的一些原始数据表明，对小的冒犯只要说一次“对不起”就够了。

伍德布鲁克斯说：“如果冒犯很严重，道两次歉似乎要更好，借此表达同理心、悔恨之意，并恢复彼此间的信任和友好”。

当然，如果您是英国人，可能就需要加倍道歉了。福克斯说：“说一次‘对不起’并不能算是道歉：我们必须反复道歉，还要加上很多形容词修饰”。

（责编：友义）

Why do the British say ‘sorry’ so much?

By Linda Geddes,28 March 2024

It is probably the most over-used word in the United Kingdom: whether they are sorry about the weather or sorry because someone else has bumped into them, chances are your average Briton has blurted out at least one apology in the past hour or two.

A recent survey of more than 1,000 Brits found that that the average person says ‘sorry’ around eight times per day – and that one in eight people apologise up to 20 times a day.

“The readiness of the English to apologise for something they haven’t done is remarkable, and it is matched by an unwillingness to apologise for what they have done,” wrote Henry Hitchings in his aptly-titled Sorry!: The English and their Manners.

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The average Brit says ‘sorry’ around eight times per day

But do the British really apologise more frequently than members of other cultures? If so, what’s the reason for this peculiar verbal tic… and how bad a habit is it?

Getting reliable data on the frequency of apologies in different countries is harder than you might think. “There’s certainly speculation that Canadians and Brits apologise more than Americans, but it’s difficult to study in a way that would provide any compelling evidence,” says Karina Schumann, a psychologist at the University of Pittsburgh who studies apologies and forgiveness.

One approach is to ask people what they’d do in a theoretical situation. For instance, a recent YouGov poll of more than 1,600 British people and 1,000 Americans revealed that there would be approximately 15 British ‘sorries’ for every 10 American ones if they sneezed, if they corrected someone’s mistake, or if someone crashed into them.

One recent poll found that there would be 15 British ‘sorries’ for every 10 American ones

But the survey found similarities between the British and American respondents, as well: just under three-quarters of people from either country would say sorry for interrupting someone. And 84% of Brits would apologise for being late to a meeting, compared to 74% of Americans.

Do as I say, not as I do

However, asking someone what they’d do in a theoretical situation is very different to measuring what they’d do in real life. Take the last example; in the YouGov survey, 36% of British respondents said they would apologise for someone else’s clumsiness, compared to 24% of Americans.

But in her book Watching the English, social anthropologist Kate Fox describes experiments in which she deliberately bumped into hundreds of people in towns and cities across England. She also encouraged colleagues to do the same abroad, for comparison.

Fox found that around 80% of English victims said ‘sorry’ – even though the collisions were clearly Fox’s fault. Often the apology was mumbled, and possibly people said it without even realising it, but compared to when tourists from other countries were bumped, the difference was marked. “Only the Japanese seemed to have anything even approaching the English sorry-reflex,” Fox writes.

Only the Japanese seem to have anything even approaching the English sorry-reflex – Kate Fox

The origins of the word ‘sorry’ can be traced to the Old English ‘sarig’ meaning “distressed, grieved or full of sorrow”, but of course, most British people use the word more casually. And herein lies another problem with studying cultural differences in languages. “We use the word ‘sorry’ in different ways,” says Edwin Battistella, a linguistics expert from Southern Oregon University and author of Sorry About That: The Language of Public Apology. Brits might say sorry more often, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re more remorseful.

“We can use it to express empathy – so I might say ‘sorry about the rain’,” says Battistella. “It might be that British and Canadian speakers use that kind of ‘sorry’ more often, but they wouldn’t be apologising, per se. Other researchers have talked about the use of ‘sorry’ to communicate across social classes, where you’re sort of apologising for your privilege.”

British society values that its members show respect without imposing on someone else’s personal space, and without drawing attention to oneself: characteristics that linguists refer to as “negative-politeness” or “negative-face”. America, on the other hand, is a positive-politeness society, characterised by friendliness and a desire to feel part of a group.

Brits might say sorry more often, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re more remorseful – Edwin Battistella

As a consequence, Brits may sometimes use ‘sorry’ in a way that can seem inappropriate to outsiders, including Americans. The British will say ‘sorry’ to someone they don’t know because they’d like to ask for some information, or to sit down next to them – and because not saying ‘sorry’ would constitute an even greater invasion of that stranger’s privacy.

“Our excessive, often inappropriate and sometimes downright misleading use of this word devalues it, and it makes things very confusing and difficult for foreigners unaccustomed to our ways,” says Fox. Still, she adds, “I don’t think saying sorry all the time is such a bad thing. It even makes sense in the context of a negative-politeness culture… Of all the words that a nation could choose to scatter about with such random profligacy, surely ’sorry’ is not the worst.”

There may be other benefits to saying ‘sorry’, too – such as fostering trust. Interestingly, that is true even when people are apologising not for mistakes they’ve made, but rather for circumstances beyond their control.

In one study, Harvard Business School’s Alison Wood Brooks and her colleagues recruited a male actor to approach 65 strangers at a US train station on a rainy day and ask to borrow their telephone. In half the cases, the stranger preceded his request with: “Sorry about the rain”. When he did this, 47% of strangers gave him their mobile, compared to only 9% when he simply asked to borrow their phone. Further experiments confirmed it was the apology about the weather that mattered, not the politeness of the opening sentence.

Benefits to saying ‘sorry’ include fostering trust – even when people are apologising for circumstances beyond their control

“By saying ‘I’m sorry about the rain’, the superfluous apologiser acknowledges an unfortunate circumstance, takes the victim’s perspective and expresses empathy for the negative circumstance – even though it is outside of his or her control,” says Wood Brooks.

Of course, the British aren’t the only group known for being apologetic. Women are often presumed to be, too.

To test if this stereotype stood up to scrutiny, Schumann recruited a group of university students to keep a journal for 12 days. They listed every situation they encountered where they felt an apology was deserved and whether or not one had been given. She found that the women did say ‘sorry’ more often than the men, but they also reported more offenses when they thought an apology was needed – both for when they were the victim and when they were the perpetrator. When this was taken into account, men and women proved equally likely to apologise for their transgressions. “It’s not so much that men are unwilling to apologise; it’s just that they’re seeing fewer offenses that deserve an apology,” Schumann says.

A sign of weakness?

So what about those circumstances when we are aware that we genuinely owe someone an apology? Is it better to swallow your pride and say you’re sorry, or – as the legendary American actor John Wayne put it – is apologising a sign of weakness?

“People worry that an apology will serve as an admission of liability, rather than as an effort to empathise with the wronged party,” says Wood Brooks. But she adds “effective apologies address the recipients’ feelings – they don’t prove a point. A good apology is unlikely to backfire, and is more likely to increase trust than not apologising at all.”

As for how to do it, Battistella has the following advice: “The right way to apologise is the way your mother taught you.” Say you threw a stone at a sibling. “She’d have you go and look them in the eye in the eye and say: ‘I’m sorry I threw the stone at you and I won’t do it again’. It’s important to name what you did wrong, to show yourself as being penitent in some way and to indicate what might be different in the future,” Battistella says.

Just how many times you’ll need to repeat the apology may vary according to where you live. Wood Brooks and Harvard PhD student Grant Donnelly have collected preliminary data that suggests that, for a minor transgression, the optimal number is a single “I’m sorry”.

“If the transgression is large, then making two apologies seems to be the magic number for conveying empathy, remorse and restoring trust and liking,” Wood Brooks says.

Of course, if you’re British, you may need to double that. “A single ‘sorry’ does not count as an apology: we have to repeat it and embellish it with a lot of adjectives,” says Fox.

Apologise for the rain while you’re at it, too.