You’ve only just recovered from the last event when you had to indulge and pamper and spoil your loved one, and now the next hoves into view.
It’s a minefield, Valentine’s Day. Should you treat it with disdain, deriding it as an artificial construct set up by a shady conglomerate of red-rose wholesalers, the champagne marketing board and greeting-card companies?
Or embrace it as an opportunity to celebrate your relationship with a special trip away?
A word of advice: no matter how cynical his or her partner, nobody ever went far wrong with the latter.
Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday this year, right at the beginning of the half-term school holiday. Which is an awkward moment for it: if you are not careful, you may find your bolt hole overrun by kids playing hideously tinny Simon Cowell-approved music on their mobile phones. (That’s the trend in my house, anyway).
Even those of us who have ’em and love ’em know they sometimes don’t fit that well with romance. Bearing that in mind, here’s our pick of hotels in the UK and Ireland where kids are either banned or gently discouraged.
The Pool House Hotel, Highland
Hidden away between the Kyle of Lochalsh and Ullapool, this Scottish bolt hole has just six lavish suites and two rooms. It will be business as usual over the weekend, with a two-night minimum stay, but with the addition of a romantic afternoon tea in front of the log fire and the option of an à deux “love soak”, with special suds and incense in the bath (or, in most cases, an ornate, double-ended “antique bathing machine”). There is also an Ever So Slightly Naughty Weekend Kit, the contents of which include an ostrich feather and other items we’ll leave to your overactive imagination.
Details: rooms and suites start at £190 per night, B&B, or £280 with dinner. The weekend kit, with a bottle of champagne, costs £90. Call 01445 781272 or visit pool-house.co.uk.
Trigony House, Dumfriesshire
A range of options here: stay curled up in front of roaring log fires, walk the gardens or — truly to escape fellow guests — hire a vintage car (there’s a very louche white E-type Jag), then explore the lovely local countryside and empty lanes that surround the hotel in all directions. The Romance Package includes two nights in a superior room with a garden view, dinner, breakfast, home-made chocolates, a bottle of chilled Crémant d’Alsace sparkling wine and flowers on arrival. Although children are allowed at the hotel, they are expected to be “few and far between” during Valentine’s.
Details: the package starts at £405 per couple. Vintage car hire starts at £150 per day; the E-Type costs £295. Call 01848 331211 or visit trigonyhotel.co.uk.
Swinside Lodge Hotel, Cumbria
Unaffected by recent flooding, this charming seven-bedroom hotel has a marvellous setting in the Newlands Valley, at the foot of Cat Bells fell, surrounded by gorgeous scenery. Every room gets a lovely view, so lovely that you might have trouble tearing your loved one from the window, but the food and service on offer downstairs are worth the effort. Champagne, chocolates and flowers in the room cost an additional £55.
Details: doubles start at £164 per night, including dinner and breakfast. There is a minimum two-night stay over the weekend. Call 017687 72948 or visit swinsidelodge-hotel.co.uk.
Matfen Hall Hotel, near Newcastle
Set in 300 acres, this very grand pile — the ancestral home of Sir Hugh and Lady Blackett, who still pop in from time to time — is having it both ways this year. On February 12 and 13, it has family breaks, with children’s dinners from 5pm-7pm and baby-sitting available, while the 14th is adults only, with dinner, dancing and the crooner Alexander Lomas channelling Sammy and Sinatra.
Details: doubles cost £255 per night, or £455 for two nights, on the Friday and Saturday, including dinner, breakfast, champagne and chocolates.Children up to 12 sharing their parents’ room stay for £14, B&B. For the Sunday-night dinner and dance, the price is £80pp, including accommodation, a reception drink, a three-course dinner and breakfast. Call 01661 886500 or visit primahotels.co.uk.
Ten Square Hotel, Belfast
A chic and cosy hotel with all the in-room entertainment bells and whistles you might want (so it’s great if you just want to stay in bed), and a buzzy bar scene downstairs. The Valentine’s package includes rose-petal turndown, chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne and a “special Valentine’s gift”, all topped off with a carriage ride for two around the city centre. It’s February, remember: best bring a muff.
Details: doubles on February 13 and 14 start at £210 per night, B&B (or £315 for a suite). Call 02890 241001 or visit tensquare.co.uk.
Castle Leslie, Co Monaghan
It’s the fateful baronial pile where McCartney and Mills plighted their troth, but don’t hold that against it: the baronial Castle Leslie is still a fantastically romantic place to celebrate the 14th. Children are welcome in certain parts of the 1,000-acre estate, but are actively discouraged from staying in the castle itself, so it’ll be couples only. This year, there are some bracing add-ons available, such as boating and a gourmet picnic on the lake (£76), or horse and carriage rides (£23pp).
Details: a two-night package, staying between February 12 and 16, starts at £207pp in the castle, including a bottle of champagne, one dinner and breakfast both days, with a late (2pm) checkout. Call 00 353 47 88100 or visit www.castleleslie.com.
Penmaenuchaf Hall Hotel, Snowdonia
A two-night break at this 14-bedroom hotel (its name is truncated to Pen Hall for the tongue-tied) promises to tick all the romantic boxes, with log fires, fresh flowers and a candlelit dinner with a Valentine’s menu on both evenings. With 21 acres of gardens and fantastic views over the Mawddach estuary, it suits lovers of nature, too.
Details: the package starts at £420 per couple, including dinner and breakfast. Call 01341 422129 or visit penhall.co.uk.
Washbourne Court, Gloucestershire
Washbourne Court is a 17th-century, heavily beamed former Eton crammer in a classic Cotswold village, so you could be forgiven for thinking that it would come up with a very traditional Valentine’s Day package. Not so. For £95, the hotel is offering lovers Washbourne Intimacy Kits by Coco de Mer, containing a silky-smooth wooden spanker, a black feather and various devices best not described in a family newspaper. Less adventurous couples can huddle round the huge log fire in the bar.
Details: doubles start at £225 per night, B&B, with a minimum two-night stay. Set dinner costs £65pp over the Valentine’s weekend. Call 01451 822143 or visit washbournecourt.co.uk.
Burgh Island, Devon
The rocky outcrop of Burgh Island may not be very far off shore, but it has always had a special feeling of isolation,as famously exploited by Agatha Christie. The lovely art-deco hotel is adults only over Valentine’s weekend: on February 13, there is a ball with a burlesque act (£200 per couple), and on the 14th a champagne lunch, with a blind tasting where the House of Ruinart takes on the might of Bollinger.
Details: doubles start at £360 per night, including dinner and breakfast. Call 01548 810514 or visit burghisland.com.
Luton Hoo Hotel, Luton
Set in more than 1,000 acres of Capability Brown parkland, this mansion house certainly has the wow factor — it starred in Eyes Wide Shut, a couple of Bonds, Little Dorrit and many more. Its Valentine’s package includes a bottle of Louis Roederer champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries in the room, breakfast in bed and a three-course dinner in the brasserie — although, as it’s a special occasion, it is worth paying the £20 supplement to upgrade to the far grander Wernher Restaurant, as used in Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Details: the package starts at £330 per night per couple. Call 01582 734437 or visit www.lutonhoo.co.uk.
The Olde Bell, Berkshire
The inn has had an Ilse Crawford makeover, and the sumptuous food is by Rosie Sykes. Its Valentine’s package for the 14th includes a glass of sparkling wine on arrival, chocolates in the bedroom, a three-course dinner and champagne breakfast in bed. You can embellish the day with upgrades, flowers, picnics or in-room massages.
Details: doubles start at £285, including dinner, breakfast and complimentary transport to and from Maidenhead station for those who’d sooner arrive by rail; the embellishments are extra. Call 01628 825881 or visit theoldebell.co.uk.
Robert Ryan