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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  ~Fred Allen


Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  ~H.L. Mencken


A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  ~Author Unknown


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch


A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.  ~Author Unknown


If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went


Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.  ~Charles Schulz


All generalizations are bad.  ~R.H. Grenier


All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin


The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ~Tom Waits, Small Change


Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield


After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ~P.J. O'Rourke


How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?  ~Nigel Rees


I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  ~Elayne Boosler


Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ~George Ade


An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.  ~William Castle


If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet


Man was predestined to have free will.  ~Hal Lee Luyah


Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley


Murphy was an optimist.  ~O'Toole's Commentary


The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort


The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.  ~Robert Graves


The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.  ~Douglas Adams


The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes


Today is the last day of some of your life.  ~Author Unknown


Without geography, you're nowhere.  ~Author Unknown


It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown


You can't have everything... where would you put it?  ~Steven Wright


He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.  ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981


He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.  ~Torvald Gahlin


I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  ~Author Unknown


Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  ~Author Unknown


Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ~P.D. East


There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.  ~Jerry Seinfeld


The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.  ~Woody Allen


My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.  ~Douglas Adams


And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"  ~Author Unknown


May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer


Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  ~Author Unknown


The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.  ~Author Unknown


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~Author Unknown


A great name for a new country song:  If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.  ~Author Unknown


Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ~Rita Mae Brown


A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ~Sir Winston Churchill


Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.  ~Author Unknown


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.  ~Author Unknown


How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?  ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine


Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  ~Carl Zwanzig


A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.  ~Evan Esar


Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home


Can we actually "know" the universe?  My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.  ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971


A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  ~Jack Benny


I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  ~Fred Allen


Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  ~From the movie Naked


Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.  ~Colin Sautar


Who says nothing is impossible.  I've been doing nothing for years.  ~Author Unknown


You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He is French, people.  ~Conan O'Brien, 2003


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  ~Author Unknown


She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.  ~Mae West


If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.  ~Elbert Hubbard


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?  ~Author Unknown


She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.  ~Saul Bellow


It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.  ~Mark Twain


Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know.  Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know.  Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about.  Amen.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless


Lord, lord, lord.  Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

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